Ziggy's Diary
by gamegirl07
Summary: Diary entries from my favorite character.
1. Personality Change

Ziggy's Diary

Entry 22-Personality Change

I usually don't do this very often. Instead I try to forget about it so then I can act as if it never happened. So then I might have some excuse for my lack of emotion. So then that small voice can stop laughing at me. I need that curtain, that something, that can let me hide. Today was different. That hiding place was gone and I was forced to look upon the man, straight into his haunting eyes. They seemed to glare at me as if _I_ had did something wrong. His hand came at me and pushed me. My anger flared, I wanted to do something about it, but a sense of foreboding took over my whole demeanor and I wished I could look away. I was scared and I hated myself for it. Then came the pity. How can one person embody these feelings all at once? A complicated one. And how would that person sort it out? Maybe that person left it all alone; let it flourish until it was all the person could be. Too shy, too introverted to let anyone witness my confusion I became the one person I wasn't.


	2. Looking Back

Entry 24-Looking Back

I hate the very word. It became my enemy. Idleness. You'll be surprised how much time I have to myself…to think on things. How I came to be like this? Of others I had known. Of things that seemed to have happened in another lifetime to some other person. But it was me.

It was me who had known love. Cared about what would happen to someone if I wasn't there to protect. My soul was utterly intertwined with another and there was a time when I thought it was impossible to break it. I know now it was stupid to believe in something so wholeheartedly. There's always someone disturbing the peace and that person looks for fools like me who are easy. I was at the top of the list of fools. I won't let it happen again. I won't let my heart be displayed for all to see so somebody can come by and rip it apart until there is nothing left. Damaged to the point of no recovery.

I won't let my dignity hang outside to dry because it stands a chance of being stolen. I had to let it dry somewhere, though, and the very place I trusted my life, the worst happened. The thief was clever and disguised itself in blinding love and sneaked it from right under my nose.

The third time the thief came; I made sure it was thoroughly hidden. The one thing I managed to keep for myself. My virtue. But no one is allowed to see it. No one can come in and take it. My master disguise secures it so no one will think twice. It would take a genius to infiltrate my defenses and seize it. As long as I wear my mask such a thing is impossible…


	3. Anger

Entry 25-Anger

I threw it out the window one day. I even looked down to see if it had shattered, if it had shattered, if it was completely broken. I went downstairs to sweep it up and dumped it into the garbage. That was the end of it. Anger was gone. No more sitting down and looking at it wondering where it had come from; where it had originated.

Lately, I find myself looking at the vacant area where Anger used to be. Sometimes I even forget that I had trashed it and my mind creates something similar to it; something that could fill in the empty space. But it will never do. My mind will never cease playing games until I get back the real thing. But how can I do that? The trash had already been taken and molded into some other reusable thing and then I realize something. If I find the shards, I could create it again. Just find all the things that are similar and pull out the real thing from them. I just hope I find them all before I go insane.


	4. Regret

Regret-Entry 27

That's what I should be doing right now. Regretting everything I did. But why should I? It's bad enough that it happened. It's bad enough I can't even get to sleep and worse that I always keep myself locked away from others. Do I really need to torture myself even more, regretting? Haven't I learned my lesson by now? The fact that I'm even asking myself…perhaps I haven't.

The more I think about it, the more it hurts, the more I write. But look at me; I'm dancing around the point. I can't even tell myself…

But then, I've been doing it for the longest time. Telling myself that it was just me. I did this to myself. I set myself up for this future, for this sad existence. That's if I even exist. Not really. Not at all, yet I'm here; thinking. If I didn't exist, I wouldn't be here writing about it, but despite that I can't help but think that I really _don't_ exist that I'm just playing myself and everyone else.


	5. Disbelief

Disbelief-Entry 28

Never thought it could happen. Such feelings have been abandoned, but I just _had_ to be proven wrong…again. I'm too embarrassed to even write down what it is that has me so startled, so much in disbelief.

Wish I could deny what has happened and just act nonchalant as usual. I could do that, but I couldn't deny something as plain and simple as this. It's not so easy now.

I never get caught off guard like this so suddenly, so lightening quick that I had to think twice about it. Was I hallucinating, even? But after all these years, I could care less if I'm crazy or not.

It just snuck up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. Curious as I was, I peered behind myself and I saw something I thought I would never see again. Something that came from my most private memories. Yet it stood there laughing at my folly. If I could, I would have laughed too, but such a thing is impossible, but perhaps it could sneak up behind me too.


	6. Deja vu

Déjà vu-Entry 30

Is it me, or have I seen this before? Am I experiencing déjà vu? I had this strange feeling that the same exact thing happened before and for the rest of the day I was wondering where I had seen it before. Too many things have happened to me to figure out this strange feeling. Why is it, it never happened before? I see a lot of things over again, but this time had been different. It was much stronger; I could feel it in my guts as it washed over me.

When I saw that young woman, Shion, preparing food in the kitchen, that's when the strange sensation came over me. She never saw me standing there; she never looked up so intense she was in concentration. Something had been troubling the lass because such concentration was not needed for what she was doing; it was something else. I curbed my curiosity, though, and left. But I've seen it before…all of it.


	7. Competent

Entry 31-Competent

All my life I've been capable; the only thing I had to do was try. When my father died; I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to honor him for what he had been doing for his entire life. Protecting the defenseless, risking my life for the sake of others. I was capable, in fact I succeeded in being just like him. Losing a family, not being a real father to my son…I was my father. And I was a capable.

Protecting people, risking my life, but it wasn't enough. There was something I didn't do, but what was it? Maybe I wasn't living life. Wasn't I, though, wasn't I doing what I had always wanted. Isn't _that_ living life? I'm sure I was competent……


	8. Jr

Entry 33-Jr.

Just look at him. So young. So carefree. Everything I'm not. Maybe that's why we don't seem to get along well in each other's presence. The brazen fool thinks he can go through his entire life shooting guns and showing off—and that isn't hard to do. It doesn't take much for him to steal everyone's attention. Just walk into a room. "Good Morning, Little Master" "What do you want us to do, Little Master?" "Little Master, are you alright?"

Well, why not? He is the captain of the Durandal. Why shouldn't people pay more attention than what is necessary to him? Why shouldn't MOMO be attracted by such a personality? He brightens people's moods supposedly. His leadership is superb, so others say. And he's an adult, so he claims.

He claims to be in so much pain. He claims to have a tragic history—oh wouldn't MOMO be so lucky. Now she can pity him. Now she can find a reason to be around _him_ more often. Now everyone thinks he's so hardened and has so much experience and wisdom because he's been through so much. They think he's perfect. He's experienced loss, he's charismatic, he's charming, he's young, and—well he's not me.


	9. So What

Entry 34-So What

I don't get it. What is so horrible about having one bad seed in the family? That's all it really is. That's all Albedo is really—a bad seed. He doesn't seem to care much about what Jr. thinks of him, as of recent. Then why does Jr. waste his time pitying, worrying, crying, stressing, or whatever it is over him? It's pointless. Or maybe it just seems like it because I'm on the outside looking in. There's Gaignun right there—a black haired version of Albedo. All isn't lost, Jr. It's almost as if you take his presence for granted and spend all your time worrying over spilled milk Clean it up already. I'm the only one who's supposed to be moping around. You still have a family whether you see it or not and you're surrounded all the time by those you love and those who love you back twofold.

So what? Move on. Forget about him. You still have a life to live. I'm sure he's moved on too. Albedo's chosen his path and no amount of pleading will change him. After that little stunt he pulled on MOMO—twice—you'd think Jr. would wizen up. ALBEDO DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.

Dare I say, the only thing Albedo cares for is himself and his own self-achievements? I've seen those types before plenty of times. I can practically sniff them out and he's no different. What can I say, but that he is evil—just like any others who follow the same path.


End file.
